He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
