She's JV to your varsity
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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