soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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