we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Randomize
