Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
