just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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