You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
God, you're like boner-b-gone
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
