your parents love me but you hate me
You really coming over, don't trick.
and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
