I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
