I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
