you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
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