I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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