Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
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