Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
im calling her cock vulture from now on
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
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