After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
