Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
