You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Randomize
