also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Randomize
