I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
