I need help removing her.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
