Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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