So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
