I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
