tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
