i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
