Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
