my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
