Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
