Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
Rock
Scissors
Fuck
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize
