I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
