Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Randomize
