I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
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