wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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