i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Randomize
