i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
