if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Randomize
