So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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