1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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