i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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