So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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