He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
