got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Randomize
