In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
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