I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
I love you.
Bad choice
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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