Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
