i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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