We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
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