why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Randomize
