I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
