can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
