New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Randomize
