And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Randomize
